While You Were Out

Dear Thrifty Travel Mama,

While you were out, I decided to give your place a bit of a makeover.  You really need to work more on making yourself more at home and fitting in around here, and I thought a few small changes would do the trick.

I wanted you to be instantly greeted by a welcoming aroma when you arrived.  Since you were smart enough to take out the garbage before you left, I wasn’t able to use that to my advantage.  Instead, I thought a little standing water in the kitchen drain mixed with bits of leftover food that made it through the sieve might do the trick.  Smells just like rotting potato peels if you ask me.  Delicious.

On the off chance you don’t love potatoes like I do, I did the o-chem and found that mixing the fragrance of the black bananas you meant to take with you with the potato peels is a patented formula.  Just ask Gucci.  Though I have to warn you, they may not be willing to confirm such hush-hush facts.

I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while that your place could really use some color.  The white, white walls and the retro vinyl hospital floors just don’t have any sparkle, pop, or pizzaz.  To ease you into things, I dusted everything outside with a thick layer of springtime yellow.  My apologies, though.  I had no idea you were allergic to pollen.  I was just trying to be German and use all natural ingredients.

And, I may have gone a little overboard when I included your bike in my pixie paint job.  It didn’t occur to me that you might actually have to touch the handles and that the dust might fly up in your face while you’re trying to sweat off all those Cheddar Bay biscuits from Red Lobster, resulting in a not-safe-to-drive-in sneezing fit of mountainous proportions.  I”ll try something a bit less toxic (to you) next time.

In case you haven’t noticed, your neighbors have been upping the tackiness ante, and I didn’t want you to be left behind.  While they’re busy dumping half-cushioned couches older than you are in the hallway for months and months, I thought a balcony ornament would be way more original.  By the way, it’s also organic.

But just in case you weren’t totally thrilled with my other upgrades, I thought you should have a brand new washing machine of your own.  Gus is his name, and he’s a stalwart watchdog.  He made sure nothing happened to your T-Rex’s precious digger for a whole two weeks.  Impressive, really.

Well, welcome home.  Unfortunately, this means I’m off to another traveler’s abode to work my magic.  Perhaps we’ll meet again when you go off doing that thrifty travel thing you do.

Affectionately,

The Roaming Take-Up-Residence-In-Someone-Else’s-Home Gnome

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